Friday, October 10, 2014

(Sort of) Defending White Guys Accused of Having Asian Fetishes

Sometimes my white friends will ask me if it bothers me when I see so many white dudes dating Asian chicks.

I tell them no, because those dudes are just being dudes, getting it when they can.

And not all of those guys have a fetish. Some do, but some don’t. It’s not fair to lump all of them together.

But with all the jokes people make about white guys with Asian fetishes, I wonder why they don’t address the other fetish in these relationships: Asian chicks with white guy fetishes.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Ebola Wins Comeback Virus of the Year at World Disease Awards

In a widely expected result, the Ebola virus won Comeback Virus of the Year at the World Disease Awards. The virus has killed over 3,400 people out of over 7,400 cases so far this year, its largest and most complex outbreak to date. Ebola’s return comes sixteen years after its 1976 – 1998 heyday. “Technically, I never went away. I was always here. I was just mutating into more lethal strains of myself,” said Ebola, which is so far available in five different forms. “You haven’t seen nothing yet. Look out for 2015!” Also at the ceremony was Virus Hall of Famer Polio, which was overheard telling audience members it wasn’t ruling out a return to the infectious disease scene in the near future.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A Message From a Thought in My Brain

Stop Trying to Polish Me. I'm a Turd.

It's been months since you first thought of me in the shower and I caused you to crack a smile. You kept repeating me over and over as you lathered and rinsed, then rushed out of the bathroom to write me down so you wouldn’t forget. Those first few days you thought of me constantly. You told me how smart and unique I was and how I was the big breakthrough you were waiting for. We were going to be famous. But it’s time to face facts. This relationship isn’t going anywhere. No matter how much you try to polish me, I’m still a turd.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

"Where are you from?"

In today’s world of 24/7 politically correct outrage, big deals are being made out of the most trivial things. Just because one person is offended, apparently the offense must be spread until it becomes a topic of national discourse. My favorite is when a someone who feels slighted writes an open letter to the person who did the slighting hoping the letter will go viral instead of you know, just talking to the person face to face about it. Lately, I’ve noticed an outrage to a question so misplaced I feel compelled to tell the offended to just answer the question and stop being so damn sensitive.

“Where are you from?”

Friday, April 18, 2014

Celebrating Ten Years of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle: Asian-America’s Citizen Kane

Kumar (Kal Penn) & Harold (John Cho)

No, I am not saying Asian people think Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is the greatest movie of all time. But when it was released in 2004, it was a defining moment in our history: it was the first time a major American movie studio released a film starring two Asian males in theaters. I remember anticipating its release for months and watching it with my friends opening weekend. Before that, I had never even seen a stoner movie before. I saw it for two reasons: 1) it looked funny from the commercials and 2) to support the cause.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Area Mom Meeting Son’s Third Asian Girlfriend Worried He Has Fetish

LOS ANGELES, CA – When meeting her son and his new girlfriend over dinner last weekend, area mom Caitlin Krieger, 54, was surprised to see her son’s girlfriend was also Asian. “Oh wow, another one,” Krieger thought, as she saw the couple walk into the restaurant. Krieger’s son, Matt, 25, had been dating Kristin Chang, also 25, for the past eight months. As Chang explained how the couple first met, Krieger nodded and smiled politely as she was distracted thinking about her son’s past dating history. “The one in college, I think she was Korean, and the one he took to prom, I don’t remember what kind, but she was definitely Asian,” Krieger thought, as she sipped her iced tea. Halfway through her salad, Krieger finally realized her son’s last white girlfriend was in junior high, which doesn’t really count. “The heart wants what the heart wants, but I really hope he’s not one of those guys. It’s kind of creepy,” thought Krieger as the check arrived. Upon leaving the restaurant, Chang deemed the evening a success, as she believed Matt’s mom had not detected her fetish for white guys.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Friday, January 17, 2014

Leave Bobby Be

I originally wanted to title this In Defense of Bobby Lee, but I figured if Bobby Lee ever read this, he’d be like, “What the fuck? You don’t know me! I don’t need you defending me, motherfucker.”